Stand-up Berlin (open mic #4)

I did another few open mics this week. Tonight’s (at Cosmic Comedy) was ok. The audience was great, emcee was great, other comics were great. I was ok. I redeemed myself a smidge (to myself). 

LAST night, I sucked—read from paper, didn’t connect with a tough crowd, workshopped on live audience (cf not connecting with a tough crowd). All the noes, not posting link, not even watching tomorrow’s and then tonight’s for performance review (it’s too soon). Just heckling myself a bit before bed. 

Here are the worst five things about this open mic thing I’m (apparently) doing: 

1. It’s not making money with art, probably never will be, and thus undermines my medium-term interest in thriving as a young artist living in Berlin (whose artist visa will naturally be renewed because she makes money). 

2. It makes me super nervous. 

3. I did almost all-new material last week (at open mics #1 and 2) versus this week (at #3 and 4). Yet, I haven’t even gotten to what I think of as my most important, must say this, this is really funny and matters, stuff (like my policing, mass spying, corporate plutocracy, crazy-ass American surveillance state stuff). And I tried to get to it tonight. But it was not ready. So I cut it out of my set at the last minute, and have yet to do it. Grrr. 

4. I’m still pretty bad at connecting with the audience because I’m so nervous about remembering my lines and not sucking. I’m not focused on them like I (imagine I) should be.

5. The best I can do to be off-book is apparently scrawling all over my left arm. Classy. 

But I am a perfectionist. I know, I know—my perfectionism needs so much work… I can laugh at myself about it—about this hatchet performance review thing, trying and failing (always) to not spread myself too thin, to not try the hardest thing possible and beat myself up for sucking at it, (the first umpteen times), to not focus on what is wrong instead of what is fine… 

Probably a lot is fine, for my sixth open mic ever/4th recently, 4th in Berlin, 4th this year… Probably I mostly keep doing what I’m doing (whatever the hell that is). Because must? Because friends say so? Because kinda fun?